Today I forgot what day it is. (It’s Wednesday as I write this, but that isn’t the point.)
The reason I forgot is that the last week or so has blurred into one long day. Yes there have been moments of sleep breaking up the days, but life has been so full lately that it has been hard to keep up.
I’m not saying that to brag either – there is a note off disappointment as I write it.
If you have been following my journey from the very start, my very first post ever explains how I hit rock bottom – I was the Type A personality, people-pleasing extraordinaire, who put everyone before myself. This lead to a myriad of health issues; namely acute adrenal fatigue, panic attacks, depression, leaky gut and psoriasis. My health challenges prompted me into a complete life overhaul – and here I am. Sharing my lessons with all of you – my tribe, whether you are clients or not.
The thing is, this week I realised I have a LONG way to go.
While, yes, people pleaser Holz cares less what people think of her nowadays, and yes, my self love is at an all-time high (compared to those few years back) – I still have much to learn when it comes to TRULY putting myself first (I say it all the time, personal development is a lifetime journey, not a quick fix!).
My last 5 days went a little something like this:
- Friday: Work a full day at the jewellery shop, come home and clean house ready for an open for inspection the next day (in bed at 11pm)
- Saturday: Up bright and early to give a talk at The Live Well Festival, followed by the open home, followed by a hens party for a dear friend (I ended up staying in city – and getting 4 hours sleep total. Not okay.)
- Sunday: Up at dawn for Cupids Undie Run including ambassador duties (and running 1.5km obviously). Home by 12 (huge ass nap as my tank was running on empty…again NOT bragging. Very disappointed.)
- Monday: Out supporting a beautiful friend in an amazing (secret…for now) achievement between 9am-6pm. Danielle La Porte at 6:30pm – 10pm (holy moly wasn’t she amazing?!)
- Tuesday: Back at the jewellery shop for a full day’s work. Working on engagement party arrangements for this Saturday.
Here’s a few things I noticed when reflecting on the above sequence:
- I didn’t get to see a single client in those 5 days (there was physically no space to!)
- Not only that, I actually didn’t create space for ANY emails or business admin – let alone writing time
- My sleep was seriously jeopardised – and sleep is my THING (for someone used to 9 hours uninterrupted sleep a night, 4 hours is NEVER OKAY)
- I didn’t see my fiancé at all during this time
- But most importantly, I actually had no time for myself. At all. Not once. (Except for my nap on Sunday)
This isn’t a whinge. It was my OWN doing and I am accepting full responsibility.
Because here’s the thing. All of the things I was doing, I genuinely WANTED to do, so I thought it would all be okay! It wasn’t that I felt I ‘should’ be doing these things. There wasn’t any people pleasing here. I genuinely wanted to do all of these things. That being said, hindsight has taught me that sometimes, even when we WANT to do all of the fun things, that isn’t always in our best interest.
Yesterday I started reading my body and noticed the toll this was taking on me – shortness of breath, light headedness, interrupted sleep, brain fog. All of the anxiety warning signs were encroaching their way back into my space and I was so disappointed in myself. How did I let myself get to this point when I had come so far? Isn’t this exactly what I taught my own clients? Did this make me a hypocrite?!
Rather than dwell on this though, I jumped straight into action – this was the perfect time to practice what I preach. So what did I do?
- I took myself off to dinner for some one on one time with my man, to reconnect and just be
- I focused on deep breathing and elongating my exhale (the only natural way to alleviate anxiety levels)
- I ran myself a bath, lit candles, used Frankincense oil and chilled the f*** out
- I was in bed by 9pm with dim lighting (getting that melatonin peaking!)
- I didn’t set an alarm this morning and woke when my body wanted to
- I dedicated today to ‘nothing’. The only thing planned was a facial, and it’s not like that was a chore!
- I didn’t let myself get on my laptop until 5:30pm today – even if I really WANTED to, I didn’t.
- I meditated for 10 minutes extra this morning
- I journaled my little heart out
- I repeated my affirmations (I am safe, I relax, I let life flow joyously)
These last few days (weeks if I am honest) have taught me that while yes, I have come a long way in terms of putting myself first, I still have a tendency to overdo it. Just because there are lots of amazing things happening, doesn’t mean I need to say yes to every single one of them. In fact, it is to my detriment when I do this, because I run the risk of only showing up half full to all of them – rather than my full, energised self. And that isn’t doing anyone any favours.
So in March, I will be practicing my no’s – not only to the things I don’t want to be doing, but more importantly the things I WANT to be doing, but that won’t allow me space to recharge, rest and fill up.
As Danielle La Porte said the other night, it is about creating BOUNDARIES, not barriers. Knowing when to decline something because my sleep, relationships or sanity (or all of the above) will be jeopardised. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
What’s something you have said yes to this week when you know deep down you should have said no?