Why sharing sex stories is important
I was 18 when I lost my virginity to the man I’m about to marry.
Yep, you read that correctly. I’ve only had sex with one person my entire life.
(Dad you can stop reading now.)
I’m not in any way ashamed of this, or shy about it. In fact, when it comes to sex, I am pretty open – which I know can be a bit uncomfortable for people, especially women, as we have been raised in a society that frowns upon women who speak openly about sex, and heaven forbid, women who enjoy it (or WANT to enjoy it!)
I know when people hear about my experience (or lack thereof…but not even, we will go there) – they find it weird. Some people feel sorry for me. Some people are genuinely shocked.
Don’t get me wrong. That was never the plan. Heck, in high school I never wanted to get married! My friends from school are still in shock that I’m the one who is planning to settle down, as I was always so vocally anti-marriage when I was younger. “I’m going to be a spinster,” I would tell them. (Now they laugh at me! How times have changed.)
The reason I am sharing this with you is to illustrate how our sex stories all differ. But really, at the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to your sex life. You could have had hundreds of partners, or a handful, or none, and no matter where you are at – so long as you are comfortable with it – that is okay.
What matters isn’t the number of people you have had sex with, or how kinky things get in the bedroom – what really matters is your relationship WITH sex.
Yep, I’m going there.
Sex is key to overall wellbeing. Like a healthy diet, exercise regime, meditation practice and mental health focus, a healthy relationship with sex is paramount if you want to cultivate true wellbeing – mind, body and soul.
I attended an event this morning hosted by Moments Condoms talking all things female sexual empowerment. Some of their statistics floored me – like how in a recent survey of women, only 35% were comfortable enough to purchase condoms (things like embarrassment for being judged when purchasing them were excuses as to why women don’t buy them. Why are we embarrassed about sex?) Or how more than 60% of women are having unprotected sex (often due to a fear of being judged in the bedroom – it’s easier not to ask, or to hope the other person has one).
I turned to my friend Melissa who I was sitting with and we were both in shock. How is this the norm? Surely being too embarrassed to ask to use protection is a clear indicator that perhaps the person you are having sex with maybe shouldn’t be the person you are having sex with? Surely you want to feel comfortable with the person you are sleeping with?
The discussion that unfolded on the panel was one about self worth. It was fascinating and seriously opened my eyes. Being my one sexual partnered self, I had no idea how severe an issue sexual wellbeing is amongst us women. Feelings of low self confidence, not having sex for YOU, not even knowing what turns us on – is a REAL issue.
When I talk to my girlfriends about orgasms, and sex positions, and heaven forbid our vaginas, I am met more often with a laugh and a ‘typical Hollie’ than I am with comfortable discussion. Why? What is making us so uncomfortable with sex?
When I sit opposite my clients who are experiencing blocks around sex, it is often a deeper issue unfolding. Of course traumatic sexual experiences are one of those things, and something that involves a deeper level of counselling or therapy. But these are not the instances I am referring to.
I know plenty of very happy couples with very non-existent sex lives, which may be totally fine by them – but a lot of the time, they want things to be different. Sex is often the glue that holds a relationship together after all.
On the flip side, I also know a lot of happily single women who are totally comfortable with sleeping with a number of people. And I take my bloody hat off to them! I am sick to death of the stereotype of a woman who enjoys sex being labelled as a slut, skank, or whore. Yet men are so damn comfortable with their dicks, and shouting from the rooftops about their latest one night stand.
Good on them, I say. Time to match them, ladies. Recognise that discomfort. What is the underlying story you are telling yourself about your sexual self? Is it taboo? Shame? Embarrassment? What were you taught (or worse – not taught) about sex growing up? Where is your view of sex holding you back? And how can you work through it?
Remember, like anything in your health, you don’t have to experience this by yourself. I am grateful to be very in touch with my sexual side, and to have a partner who is willing to explore things with me (lucky boy). If you aren’t there yet, but want to get there, there is a MYRIAD of help available.
My first point of call is to check out The Jade Egg Academy run by my good friend Tara O – who helps women tap back into that sexy side of themselves they lost. To embrace your feminine power, unleash epic orgasms and reclaim an incredible sex life.
Alongside this, when I see clients who have sexual blockages, often their Sacral Chakra needs work. This is the energetic point located at your pelvis, and vibrates to the colour orange. The sacral chakra is your CREATIVE point – so you will often find those with sexual blocks also lack a creative outlet in their life (think art, or dance, or something else creative).
I could write far more on this, and plan to, because I believe encouraging a healthy and open dialogue about female sexual empowerment is paramount today. Remember it doesn’t matter how many partners you have had sexually – what matters is your relationship with sex. Are you sleeping with someone for the enjoyment, and because it makes you feel good? If yes, GO GIRL! If the answer is anything less than that, there may be work to be done. But that is okay, because I am here, and so are hundreds of open, kind and supportive women who want you to experience sex the way we do.
(And yes, 10 years of sex with the same guy and I still orgasm every time. So can you!)
What is your sex story? Are you totally comfortable with your sexual self, or do you think there is work to be done?